Being scared to produce

Debugging in Public #0

Whenever I start something, I am constantly wondering whether or not this is the best thing to do. Whether it would be worth it. And by start, I mean producing content- be it writing an article, creating an app, or building something physical. My mind goes, "is this the best thing that you can do with your time?", "what does producing this thing say about you?", "who are you actually helping with this?", "this is such a minor issue to be tackling, especially for the time you have", or "Why bother if you'll never make any money out of this?"

There's something about writing on the internet that has been etched onto me. I've internalized the fact that what goes onto the internet stays on the internet. I often fantasize about writing a rough draft, pour it all out, and just release it. What you share-even if not the best you can do- can help more people than if it stayed forever in your rough drafts. And then you can work on it, improve it, update it, correct it. Iron out the rough spots as you go. And this, I'd love to do, except there's another concept I've internalised: First impressions matter.

What if I lose credibility? I know inside myself that I can do better. Why do I have to waste their time with something that isn't perfect? How can I critique the work that others put out while half-assing it myself? This is a vulnerability.

So why don't I do this when I consume? Why don't I think twice before I mindlessly scroll through the web? How is this the best thing I can do? Why don't I go read some books or papers instead of going through this rando's tweets? How is that worth it? Why don't I think twice about your identity before you watch random meme videos at 5 am? Why do I never think that time is precious then?

I know that I've reached the critical stage where the content I consume is no longer relevant. I keep reading the same thing, and what I've been reading isn't the full truth in my mind. It doesn't wow me anymore. I know I have a better version of it in my mind. So why am I not sharing it?

"What if you're mocked, or worse, ignored?" I am not my work. I truly respect the fact that [[Leonardo da Vinci]] worked on the [[Mona Lisa]] for decades and never really declared any of his works complete. I would love to do it. Now, I just need to drop the "would".

Is this the so-called perfectionism? Yes, undoubtedly. Heck, I just went ahead and spent about 20 minutes on Twitter. In fact, this is getting out of control. I have lost the spark that incited me to start this article. This is what it does to you. Your creativity and internal voice are stifled as your mind is filled with information that does not change your life in any way. Don't get me wrong, there is plenty of cool stuff out there. But there's a time and place for everything and right now that basic principle is being violated. I hate voices that push into my skull. My ears. Silence is a right.

So. Why are you scared of producing? What holds you back? Yes, the internet can be a scary place. You can't always treat it like your journal. But that's not what this is about- the ultimate aim is to share the information I found useful to other people.

It's okay to spew bullshit. Just keep writing and the gold will start flowing. You have to get your breeches dirty to get the gold nuggets of insight from the river of consciousness. Writing defeats the demons. It puts things to paper, forcing you to be more careful. The truth is, nobody cares what you're writing about. You're not some bestselling author. You're just a kid who has newly discovered the world. So stop being so paranoid, and get to producing. Don't hide your vices with rationalizations. This doesn't have to be a long piece, it doesn't have to be completely coherent. Just get your main ideas out there. It's okay if it's watery. You're not polluting the internet. This wasn't exactly meant for the internet. Perhaps a note to a friend. To the [REDACTED]. Perhaps I should start writing letters to myself. Perhaps that would help more, to send details back to the past.

It really doesn't matter if you don't close this $[REDACTED] dollar deal. It's fine. Cool down. You could die of a heart attack right now. There are worse issues and more virtues worthy of your attention. Life is short, you know that. It is up to you to stretch it and stuff it with what you want. Free yourself from the shackles that others have placed upon you, as soon as you can. However, do not let the pursuit of freedom trap you.

It's not your work that gives you feelings of despair- remember that. It's your addictions. It's strange, but that's how it works- both ways. Drugs and coping only makes it worse. Either you deal with it sober, or quit and move to something you can handle. Do not try to fool yourself; Keep your word. If it is painful while sober, it will be equally painful to your body while high. You just won't know it. This is the fundamental truth.

I take myself too seriously. Change the world? Become eternally relevant? Who am I kidding? Let's just do things for fun. If I change the world along the way, so be it. We're here for fun; We're playing The Game Of Life. Don't grind your way to the top, because that's ridiculous.

It's okay to fail. Sometimes, some ideas just aren't worth pursuing. If a decent execution doesn't garner sufficient attention, then it could be that the idea just isn't worth it.

It is essential to fail so that you don't spend time on worthless features and goals. Prototype before you code. Get all of your communication in the right place.

Why are you so afraid that it'll backfire? At least it fired instead of fizzing out.